February 27, 2012

I watched the Oscars tonight with two friends who came over and prior to that I cleaned my apartment, ridded the place of the remaining wine bottles and food cartons that had filled it in the past four days. And I made jokes on the internet and found the whole thing silly and I guess that’s, I don’t know, the first part of getting over something very sad that’s happened. I felt ready to be a real person again, to not stay disappeared in a haze of smoke and drink and old huddled-close friends. But it still felt kind of weird. Knowing she and I would have texted about tonight’s show, would have emailed about my upcoming trip to LA and the plans we’d made to see each other (tickets bought and all), would have joked about her upcoming credit, somewhere deep down there but still there, in The Dark Knight Rises. It’s very late and I need to remember how to go to bed early again, and really this has nothing to do with me — the funeral on Friday will be so much about her parents and family and boyfriend and just a little about us, her friends — but I do still hate that I feel selfish for feeling sad, for doubting my own emotion, for wondering if maybe this is just all an excuse to quit blogging (which I increasingly hate) and run away into a new, who-knows sort of life. I wish I could just plainly own this aching feeling, this pain in my bones, and call it what it is. I miss my friend and will miss her likely forever. Not always so strongly, I know. Not always so physically, sure. But a new hole has been bored in me somewhere and that’s just one of the nicks and dents of being alive, I guess. 

It was strange to try to have fun again tonight. I don’t think I failed, necessarily. But I’m not sure how to gauge succeeding, either. 

2:50am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZOlBVwH73ng4
(Notes: 28)
  
  1. annie-ivory said: I recently lost someone close to me, too. It’s a unique pain that’s hard to wrap your head around fully, isn’t it? Losing someone important to you changes your relationship to life, itself, I think. Don’t feel bad about how you grieve. Hang in there.
  2. bthny said: I don’t know you at all other than having enjoyed your writing on the internet so this may not mean very much but: I am so sorry for your loss, and I hope that you feel able to deal with it in whatever way is best for you.
  3. jimchuck said: I always hate how hokey the following sounds, but: Thanks for sharing, Richard. Good luck. Imagine that accompanied by a reassuring hand your shoulder.
  4. strictlyalright said: If she touched you in any way, then you have a right to be as sad as you want to be.
  5. richardlawson posted this